I am weird.
I embrace that reality.
But, I have gone most of my life just attempting to fit in. Now, I am sure that many people also spend the majority of their lives attempting to do this, but I often feel I must put in an extra effort. As if, people have a “weird-o-meter” and mine may cause theirs to raise to the top if I do not attempt damage control. I always feel like I come with one of those cautionary labels:
“WARNING: YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING A PERSON UNLIKE OTHERS < USE CAUTION“, I imagine it would read.
I have come to realize that most of the case studies I have reviewed for my undergraduate and graduate studies are less complex than my very own life. This makes it hard to want to dissect someone else’s when I could see my story under the projector next. My life’s complexity is also the very reason I have the ability to empathize with people on a level others in my profession will have a harder time attaining. So, for this, I rejoice. But, it is so hard to watch a classroom full of people who have never themselves experienced any of what we discuss, decide how people should handle these situations. I have exercised a great amount of patience with this emotional trigger over the last several months, but I came to an emotional place, where I was unable to do this lately. It has caused a shitstorm to say the least. I am now facing expulsion due to “unprofessionalism”. Was I unprofessional in these instances? Absolutely. Is this something I am trying so hard to work on? Yes. But, a change of professional demeanor is not something that happens overnight. Let me also voice that my professional demeanor only falters, when provoked. Unfortunately, it does not take much to provoke it, if I am already emotional. But, when someone talks to me so condescendingly it is really hard for me to take it.
It’s been brought to my attention that I am aggressive in these instances.
I would prefer, passionate. If we needed to call it something, but they have used the word aggressive, a lot.
Do I have flaws? I have all the flaws. I am insecure, I have abandonment issues, I have an explosive temper that I am consistently working on, I talk too much, I talk with my mouth full (occasionally).
So, no I am not perfect. But, for some reason, my flaws appear to outweigh my good qualities within this Academic world. I can read the disdain on each face as I open my mouth to speak among my peers.
So today I am quiet.
I was informed this summer of more information about my late grandmother. I had never had the pleasure of knowing her, but I had heard lots of stories. When I was visiting some relatives we took the time to look through old photo albums and newspaper clippings. It would appear that my grandmother had a very similar feeling to my own.
So this makes me wonder, will I ever feel that I fit in.
My sister moved half-way across the country to see if she could find a population niche in which she could be content. What will it take for me? I believe that I will follow in my grandmother’s footsteps when she said, she felt she was from outer space. Since it so often feels that way when I am put in a group scenario.