Have Faith in the darkest of times..

(*Sub note, I by no means say that God must be your answer to this, I say that whatever it is your faith involves, whether it’s in yourself or worshipping a unicorn, replace where God is mentioned for the same effect, I just find my faith with him)

Thank God for each difficulty you face. Even if it seems so many surround you you are overwhelmed. Lean on your faith. I am personally asking, “Well, OK God, this isn’t the most ideal situation, but what it is that I need to learn from this? Why did I need to experience this to grow?” No matter how bad the circumstances are. The larger the load you carry and the longer you carry it, the stronger you become. So, THANKS, BE TO GOD for my current pain and heartache. THANKS, BE TO GOD that I have the strength through Christ to stand up for what I believe, despite what that costs me. I will never falter my morals to stand with the “IN CROWD” that is just simply not who I am. No matter how many situations I stand alone in, I know I have the Lord to guide me. I do not normally post these things, and I recently feel that I went from “Positive Princess” on Facebook, to “Negative Nancy”. For this, I apologize, but we must all accept our circumstances before moving forward. This is me, accepting. Thanks are to God for waking me up to another beautiful day, meanwhile my heart aches for so many who have not. My heart aches for their loved ones who will never be able to fill the void the loved one left behind. The love that they will never be able to give that person again. Our own selfishness of them not being there for our momentous life moments. Our selfishness of wanting them to have to stay to continue to suffer, despite them being called to the home, we will all eventually (well most) be called to, eventually. So, I ask, what are we to learn from these continued tragedies? What is the message? We cannot let our loved ones continue to die in vain. Ok, random long post over. Doubt many will read, but it felt nice to air this. Sorry, for those of you who find these types of posts “too heavy”…. keep scrolling! I should be back to the Princess of positivity soon. A couple more self-realizations to come before doing so. Peace out, and I thank all of my support-system, there are many days I may have decided to not be here, without you guys  BE THAT SUPPORT FOR OTHERS, my friends,

Gia Marie 2017 ©

Tragedy on a loop.

Tragedy is not a contest,

But, if it were, I might be able to compete.

My life is one tragedy after another,

on repeat.

It finds me no matter how far I run.

No matter how many times I scream, “I’M DONE!”

I cannot take anymore!

Can I not just breathe a normal breath of air?

I do not ask for this despair,

Each time I ache just the same.

Each time it’s harder to bear the pain.

I feel like the weight of the world rests upon my shoulders,

I look in front of me and I can only see more boulders.

I am afraid soon I will break.

My heart can only withstand so much weight before it dissipates.

Gia Marie 2017 ©

Stand back.

Who I am, depends.

It depends on tomorrow,

what is my next trial?

upcoming lesson?

I will grow this way or that.

Depending on each decision,

increasing in precision.

Making my life worth living.

Here comes one more tribulation…

can I not get an emotional vacation?

I cannot handle another death..

I am running out of tears,

there are almost none left.

What is the next test?

One more stab from a stranger,

never running out of danger.

Occasionally this evolves into anger.

Before I take another step,

I must take a deep breath…

Gia Marie 2017 ©

Tainted Hero’s.

 

Lifelong heroes.

are no longer victorious.

faltering between the lines of good and bad.

Black and white.

Smoke and lights.

Who to believe..

who has deceived.

Heroes thought to be the mirror of righteousness

are tainted with sins that defy every preconception

I no longer know my direction.

I now realize that Superman & Batman,

are actually a cross between Lex Luther and the Joker.

A gamble, no different than poker.

If the only people I could be certain were good,

just are not.

what then.

is the world really just this bad?

There is not good left?

Or is this my final test?

Can I handle my bubble popped?

My world stopped?

Holding on to memories of a simpler time.

Before I understood.

That even the best of the best,

can turn out to be, not good.

Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

 

 

 

To be ok.

Today I just want to be OK.

I am tired of feeling unwell.

I am tired of feeling different.

I am just tired.

I am tired of the endless mental strain of addiction,

constantly being surrounded by my old habits,

Saying no to socially acceptable alcohol

thus, creating a racket.

NO? Why not?

Tired of having to explain,

it’s none of your business,

it’s none of your pain.

I am tired of this endless pressure weighing on my chest,

like there is a part of me attempting to claw itself out,

and until then, I will never feel rest.

I constantly feel the weight, like I am about to suffocate.

I am tired of worrying.

about everything.

and everyone.

The earthquake across the world,

my friend is going through a divorce,

I am the sole support for a plethora of people,

there are so many people still sick and suffering from addiction.

We are literally responsible for destroying our planet, 

and have done so in less than a century.

There are so many problems that already have solutions.

But our continued through the generation’s, 1% chooses to line their pockets instead of save mankind.

I am tired of all the pain.

I am tired of all the sadness.

I am tired.

Can’t I not get a parking ticket today?

Or not simultaneously get splashed by an ongoing car?

I am tired.

Today, I just want to be OK.

Can I please just catch a break…

Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Bang.

Bang.

Anytime a shot rings out,

The echo continues, while my heart stops.

Then races,

the sweat starts.

I can feel it in my inner being.

I am suddenly transported to a different place,

a different, younger version of myself.

You don’t have time to think,

it’s happening faster than a blink.

Protect your siblings first,

Call for help and save your father.

Then go find his curse.

With the same lack of emotion, she had when she pulled the trigger,

she is now on the phone planning something bigger.

I AM THE VICTIM.

A poor helpless woman she pleads.

While my father with bullets in his back

Lies in the grass and bleeds.

The lies continue to the paramedics, to the police.

Off to your Aunt’s you go, this was your father’s fault.

But, I know better.

I saw the pure hatred in your eyes,

right before you spread your lies.

She fooled them all,

but as soon as she finds her way to life’s gates,

will she stand so tall?

Suddenly the present is back,

where am I, am I ok?

It was just a car backfiring,

I guess I will be on my way.

Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

The art of the dance.

Surrounded by familiar faces,

Biting my tongue with such patience,

They disguise their disdain,

while I disguise my pain.

Fake smiles in every corner of my eye,

constant exasperated sighs.

Neither of us understands each other’s world,

but they make me feel so small, like a little girl.

Going straight back to the playground,

Watching the girl’s on the merry-go-round

“You’re cooler than me”

I thought then,

I think now.

There goes the girl with faded jeans straight from a trailer,

they only let her in, because it would be discrimination to fail her.

You can be smart, but you are still not a part.

Your scarred, childhood demeanor still shows through.

Your eloquent tongue accidentally silences,

and the fight for survival begins.

How do you calm the lion that still roars with anger from within?

Still holding onto hope, fighting desperately to win.

Every obstacle that has been triumphed thus far,

to be singularly smashed

with one glimpse of the past

exposing enough to be debarred.

You did it again, you’re supposed to hide that part.

You can not succeed in their world until you remember their art.

Fake smiles and passive-aggressive glances are your best chance,

to win their dance.

Stop the aggressive honesty,

you are a woman,

it is not welcomed, please act accordingly.

Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

 

 

Anxiety.

Anxiety can encompass the entire body in moments,

the world keeps moving, but you are still, suffocating.

Your mind cannot connect to your body to make your next move.

Your heart rate increases until you are sure you will collapse.

It’s too much.

You feel too much.

You just want to run to the closest hole and crawl inside.

No people, no noise, nothing.

Now you are sweating, it’s so hot.

Won’t someone turn on the air?

Who cares if it is Winter, you feel like you’re in a sauna.

Your mind is racing with every self-loathing thought you could possibly imagine.

Why did I say that? Were they laughing at me? WHY CAN’T I STOP ________.

Fill in the blank, because you have a million.

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

the voice inside your head screams.

So, you frantically rush to find your hole.

To attempt to take control.

Sometimes this works,

sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, it’s like your whole body feels nails on chalkboard enter your being.

Then, it could be over just like that.

I’d like to welcome you, to when anxiety attacks.

 ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

Don’t Speak.

Don’t speak.

I remind myself day after day.

But, the vile words slither off my tongue at each sign of provocation.

It’s like my more primal instinct kicks in, and I scream..

: YOU WILL NOT: disrespect ME in that way.

Before I know it I am gasping to suck the words back in my mouth.

My eyes scream desperation for help.

I know.

I have done it again.

That bridge is now demolished.

And I am left with nothing but my slithering tongue.

and my pain.

My pain for knowing my sharp tongue is the self-destruction I bring on myself.

It is my curse.

It is my curse that I recognize, but cannot correct.

It could simply be cured if I were only to encounter respect.

Gia Marie 2017 ©

 

 

The lady from outer space.

am weird. 

I embrace that reality.

But, I have gone most of my life just attempting to fit in. Now, I am sure that many people also spend the majority of their lives attempting to do this, but I often feel I must put in an extra effort. As if, people have a “weird-o-meter” and mine may cause theirs to raise to the top if I do not attempt damage control. I always feel like I come with one of those cautionary labels:

“WARNING: YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING A PERSON UNLIKE OTHERS < USE CAUTION“, I imagine it would read.

I have come to realize that most of the case studies I have reviewed for my undergraduate and graduate studies are less complex than my very own life. This makes it hard to want to dissect someone else’s when I could see my story under the projector next. My life’s complexity is also the very reason I have the ability to empathize with people on a level others in my profession will have a harder time attaining. So, for this, I rejoice. But, it is so hard to watch a classroom full of people who have never themselves experienced any of what we discuss, decide how people should handle these situations. I have exercised a great amount of patience with this emotional trigger over the last several months, but I came to an emotional place, where I was unable to do this lately. It has caused a shitstorm to say the least. I am now facing expulsion due to “unprofessionalism”. Was I unprofessional in these instances? Absolutely. Is this something I am trying so hard to work on? Yes. But, a change of professional demeanor is not something that happens overnight. Let me also voice that my professional demeanor only falters, when provoked. Unfortunately, it does not take much to provoke it, if I am already emotional. But, when someone talks to me so condescendingly it is really hard for me to take it.

It’s been brought to my attention that I am aggressive in these instances. 

I would prefer, passionate. If we needed to call it something, but they have used the word aggressive, a lot

Do I have flaws? I have all the flaws. I am insecure, I have abandonment issues, I have an explosive temper that I am consistently working on, I talk too much, I talk with my mouth full (occasionally).

So, no I am not perfect.  But, for some reason, my flaws appear to outweigh my good qualities within this Academic world. I can read the disdain on each face as I open my mouth to speak among my peers.

So today I am quiet. 

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I was informed this summer of more information about my late grandmother. I had never had the pleasure of knowing her, but I had heard lots of stories. When I was visiting some relatives we took the time to look through old photo albums and newspaper clippings. It would appear that my grandmother had a very similar feeling to my own.

So this makes me wonder, will I ever feel that I fit in. 

My sister moved half-way across the country to see if she could find a population niche in which she could be content. What will it take for me? I believe that I will follow in my grandmother’s footsteps when she said, she felt she was from outer space. Since it so often feels that way when I am put in a group scenario.

 ✌Gia Marie 2017 ©